After interviewing the intuitive coach from Canada, Bonita Kay Summers, for my tele-class I felt very called to set up an appointment with her.  She had talked about being able to see old patterns that needed to be released in people. The pattern she saw in me was using my will to override my feelings and then needing to wear a mask.  When she said that I thought, oh yes, that is a pattern from childhood but not now.  I do not have that pattern now! I actually finished the session with a bit of a headache.

The universe works in such a marvelous way! After finishing my session with Bonita I had my monthly energy- healing massage and it starts off with a card reading to see what needs to be worked on. The same thing showed up! Ok, I was being told to pay attention!  This was important.

I had also noticed since the eclipses in May I had gotten caught up in some vortex of doing energy. Unexpected trips had come up for me, people visiting from out of town, birthday gatherings for beloved women friends, ceremonies I felt called to lead for the Venus Transit and the Solstice.  Then on top of all of that I had decided to turn the back part of my house into an apartment to rent so I am letting go of three rooms filled to overflow especially my creativity room and office.  This has required looking at each item and letting go by giving things to friends, thrift stores or keeping if it is something I really need or is connected to my soul.  I am letting go and releasing so much.  It certainly takes a lot of time, effort and attention. Still I am gobsmacked at how much there is to go through.  This is also a huge part of where we are moving in consciousness. As part of stepping out of the old paradigm, it involves releasing the old things in our life that are no longer serving us or are current. This is much like deleting old files on our computer. Cleaning out old beliefs and physical things go hand in hand.  Part of the journey to enlightenment is what I like to think of as “lightening up.” What we’re doing is lightening our load.

It felt like I had been running from one thing to the next to the next to the next and my usual time each day of weaving in silence and spaciousness has gotten squeezed out!

That Saturday a dear friend was leading a beautiful workshop here at MoonBear Sanctuary on consciousness and presence.  That same afternoon one of the women I hold most dear in my heart and admire as a true elder was giving a talk at the Woolman Quaker School she had founded with her late husband.  I so wanted to be there to hear 96 year old Mary Jorgensen and to honor the amazing woman she is. She had also been honored as a freedom rider on Oprah’s show.

Friday night I had not been feeling well.  Saturday all I could do was sleep.  I knew I could push through how I was feeling I could use the strength of my will to get me to the event.  Now I could finally see how by using my will to push through beyond what my body needed, I perpetuated this old pattern.   When I show up to an event where I have had to summon all my strength and push through how I am feeling to be there, I show up as my false self.  I have been taught that only “bores” talk about not feeling well and nobody wants to hear that.  So I show up as the cheerful me with a smile on my face and chatty and talkative, social.  But that is not being REAL, not being in my personal truth of how I am feeling.

I looked to see whose voice was behind this pattern.  It was my father’s.  To listen to my feelings would be selfish and horrible.  To not be there to support someone I love would be a huge offense and it even goes back to loyalty.  I wouldn’t be a true and loyal friend.

The voice inside me was yelling, “you are a horrible selfish person”!

It is interesting because that morning when I pulled the Guiding Signs 101 cards I got Speed Bump, Detour, Hill and the Gas card! The message was clear that my fuel was empty and I needed to care for myself. I needed to fill up my well.

I lit a candle for Mary and the event with prayers and love.  I connected my heart to hers with love.

I went down to the yurt where the workshop had been held and I let my body breathe it all in and feel the exquisite energy.

I still hold some residue energy of not being a good friend, a good person, for not attending Mary’s event.  But I choose to let that go. I choose love and being real and loving myself first so when I do show up and give to others it comes from a place of fullness.  I choose to show up to places only when I can show up in the totality of my truth and not when I need to put on a mask of being cheerful.  Any place I have to pretend to feel any way other than what I am feeling is a place I choose not to be.  My commitment is to truth, love and what is real for me in each moment.