Today I was on the radio. It was an interview with Elisa Parker of See Jane Do, on KVMR radio station. The subject was about sexual assault/ molestation. It was about women survivors who have gone on to do incredible things in the world to empower and help heal other women. It was six women’s stories woven together.
I was the last one. I have to say I was holding my breath and feeling anxious as I listened to the other women waiting for my prerecorded interview to air. This was the first time I had talked about it publicly. I had made mention of it one other time on Elisa’s show. When my part did air I had a sense of relief. It felt like breaking the silence was a huge key that unlocked something powerful. In the dark things keep perpetuating. But by breaking the silence and denial it is like throwing that bucket of water on the wicked witch. She melts!
Part of my interview was about flying home last May to Salt Lake City and having a deep and difficult talk with my mother before flying to Canada to be part of a conference with the Nobel Women Peace Laureates on Ending Rape as a Tool of War. I had a realization to change anything “out there” in the world that I must first start in my own life. I needed to address the denial we have had in our family. I told my mother I needed to have my voice set free now to speak the truth and help others. I asked her “mama can you stand behind me and be my ally.?” She said “yes, yes I can. What happened?” I had come to her 15 years ago telling her about the years of sexual molestation by my father. My mother and sisters weren’t ready to hear that. They told me this couldn’t have happened, it didn’t happen in our family. Now 15 years later, how we have all grown! I told my mother that I loved her with all my heart and I would choose her to be my mother again. I knew that all that had happened to me was part of the life path I had signed up for in this life. It was my path to take the deepest darkest and bring it back up to the light. There were no mistakes.
My mother listened with all her heart. She wanted to know everything and asked me the hardest questions. She was no longer in denial. She was courageous and fully present. Then she said “I am so sorry this happened to you”.
What I have learned through my experience: I know that our light is incorruptible. The light that we are is always there. There are only things that happen that make us temporarily forget our light and who we truly are. Part of the game on planet Earth is remembering what we have forgotten. Knowing that the bad things that happen to us are not us. They are not who we are. There is no shame. Our job is to remember how to love ourselves unconditionally with all our heart. Because only by loving ourselves can we truly love others. We also get to remember to forgive ourselves; forgiving others is simply an extension of forgiving self. We get to see that the people that have shown up in our lives that have tested us the most have helped to mold us into the incredible people we are today. There is no such thing as “victim” only victorious. Each moment we have the choice to create an amazing life for ourselves! With all of this I feel an overwhelming gratitude that is hard to contain in my heart, it truly spills over.
It can be a hard time on our planet. We may find ourselves tested and broken open to find our deepest truth and let go of false illusions that the material world will bring happiness or make us “safe”. This is the time that we get to find our inner truth. Listen to that small still voice within to guide us. This is our time to find our deepest courage. A time to let go of our limiting beliefs of separation. Our separation to our divine self and believing that it lives outside of us. Realizing that we are the Divine having an earthly experience. Remembering our connection to all life; the plant, mineral and animal kingdoms and to each other. Remembering power is not “power over” that destroys and creates separation. True power is the power to be who we truly are and create what is life affirming for all. In this connection we see how we truly are all one family.