Recently I was rudely reminded about how much pain exists in the world of ego, of illusion. I had a nightmare of being trapped there in the illusion and ego and not being able to get out. The pain and the suffering was intense! After what felt like forever and never-ending I felt my own essence of love and truth emerge, come to the surface. Why was my mind/ego always telling me this love and truth of who I am was not enough? In my dream I saw it was like the exhale, it was this place where everything was in alignment and felt soooo good. When all there really is is love and truth why does my mind trick me into believing there has to be MORE or “important” things! “if something looks “important” it isn’t”! And yet how many times have I remembered that only to forget once again.
I know there are so many traps that we can fall into living in this world. There are traps of money, fame, power, accomplishment, importance, busyness, overachieving, striving, glamour, prestige, perfectionism, numbing ourselves, seduction, being a victim, needing to control, just to mention some of the common ones. I know for me important is one of mine.
Several months ago I was given the opportunity to host a subscription channel on the internet for women. There were other hosts, well known and famous women that I admired. I felt honored to be asked to be included and said yes.
I bought a rather expensive small video camera with a separate awesome mike for recording and doing interviews. I dragged it with me to Guatemala on the Women’s Journey I was leading. I filmed all kinds of things there and spent hours going through and editing but never able to come up with the finished product. Erin and I did a whole class on authenticity that was videotaped but I didn’t like it after it was finished. Then once again, I dragged my video camera and accessories to the PeaceJam event I was recently attending in Michigan. I filmed parts of that. I filmed Nobel Peace Laureate Rigoberta Menchu Tum. Dawn Engle, co-founder of PeaceJam, and I were having a meeting with her in regards to the Mayan Reinassance Film I had been involved in with Dawn as the film was just now completed. I then took my video camera to Chicago to the International Peace Summit. This time I left it in the safe in my hotel room, I was tired of lugging it around.
Now back home, it was time to get my site up and running on the network. I was dragging my feet. My mind would tell me this was a great opportunity and important and a great way to get my message out to touch and inspire women. But my body and desire were MIA. Finally in deep meditation and really listening and tuning in I finally got it, I didn’t have the thread of desire for this. My passion was not there. Passion and desire and listening to our heart was the message I wanted to get out to women…. Find your gifts and talents, follow that thread of desire and passion. Here I was trying to make this happen from my mind and not my heart. What a huge relief to finally see this. To realize what is perfect for one person is not for another. And for whatever reason this truly was not a fit for me. It was not calling me.
I wrote an email of my realization, the truth of where I was and my regrets to those I was involved with on the network. I called my professional videographer I had been working with. I felt bad he might be disappointed we wouldn’t be doing this work together. He told me what a relief it was. It hadn’t resonated with him from the beginning!
I am now waking up in the mornings remembering to ask … how can I serve, who can I love today. Remembering that what is truly important can’t be quantified or measured as there is no big or small love only love!! I choose love.